What does Brandon think of you and your friends?

Testimonials

• Fifteen years of group chat and Brandon nailed all seven of us in one page each. The awards section got screenshotted into the chat within a minute and we argued about the predictions for a week. Nobody was spared, nobody's angry.

• Twelve years of messages with my best friend. It found the exact month things shifted and put into words what each of us was actually saying underneath. We read it together on the phone and both cried, then laughed at the “diet discipline: 1/5” rating.

• Four of us from the same course. Brandon worked out who carries the group, who only shows up to split the bill, and wrote a glossary of our slang that was scarily accurate. I dropped it in the chat during a lecture. Three hundred messages by the end of the hour.

• I uploaded it as a joke about my “just a friend”. Brandon wrote the conversation we'd been avoiding for three years, kindly but with zero escape routes. It didn't tell me what to do. It told me what was already happening.

• It knew which one of us is the group's unpaid therapist, who runs the investigation whenever a new guy appears, and who says “on my way” from her bed. Brutal, affectionate, and now pinned in the chat.

• We'd drifted and I didn't know why. Brandon traced it back to one week two years ago and showed both our parts in it, without taking sides. I sent him a message that evening for the first time in months.

• One trip chat, six lads, one holiday that never actually happened. Brandon reconstructed the whole thing phase by phase, ranked our excuses, and predicted where we'd all be in five years. We read it out loud at the pub.

• Two guys, nine years, mostly cars, football and insults. Brandon translated the insults back into what they actually meant and told us what we've never said to each other. My mate replied with a laughing emoji, which for him is a love letter.