What does Brandon think of you and your family?

Testimonials

• He gave my mum the title Minister of the Interior for her weather alerts and my dad a full paragraph for only ever posting door codes. Then one section about my grandmother that made all five of us cry at Sunday lunch.

• Three years of messages between two countries. It saw that every time I got sick abroad it was my way of asking my big sister to look after me. Neither of us had ever said that. We called each other straight after.

• Four blokes who communicate in insults and mountain photos. Brandon gave everyone an award, explained the one fight we'd never talked about, and ended on how Dad keeps reminding us to call Grandma. I sent it to the group. Silence, then 40 messages.

• It's the first thing that took my mother's side and mine at the same time. It called her control “fear of distance” and my jokes “armour”. I'd pay for that again. Actually I did.

• It drew our family tree with job titles. My aunt is “Head of Forwarded Health Warnings”. My cousin, 400 messages in eight years, is “the sniper”. We printed it for Christmas.

• Three generations, two countries, one beach house everyone fights over. Brandon wrote the booking protocol as a four-step diagram and then a page about our late grandmother that my father read twice without speaking.

• Me and my two sisters since our parents split. It clocked that the dog stopped appearing in photos the month it all started. Funny for nine pages, then that. My sisters both cried, then asked who the “Chief Executive of Radical Honesty” was. It was me.

• I'm 4% of the family group and the one everyone teases. The second report was just about me: it said I'm not the clown, I'm the one who kept everyone calm at Grandma's bedside. Told me to stop putting 🤡 after my wins.